Most parents believe that praise can build children’s self-confidence and make children feel safe. So I often talk about “you’re great”, “you’re a good boy” and “you’re so smart”.

However, a junior sister who is a child psychologist often advises me to say less to my children and even avoid it! These words not only can not achieve the purpose of motivating children, but may also lead to anxiety and dependence on external people’s evaluation.

Doesn’t praise work for children? no The younger martial sister told me that the real reason for those children who become proud and impetuous because they are often praised is not that they are often praised, but that their parents praise them in the wrong way.

Praise, like a drug, will cause harm to children, so use it must comply with its rules: (concerned about the official account of WeChat: mother and children, and talking about parenting.)

Don’t praise your child’s character and personality

My friend’s son Beibei is a very stubborn and naughty child. Once, he played with his neighbor’s children and refused to go until his neighbor’s house wanted lunch. His mother tried all kinds of methods and couldn’t convince him. When she was embarrassed, she had an idea and praised Beibei. “You are a good child and won’t disturb your uncle and aunt to eat, right?” the stubborn Beibei was a little loose, and her mother finally persuaded him to go home.

After tasting the benefits, my mother used this method several times, but it gradually didn’t work. Beibei sometimes became more troublesome when she heard this praise and said to her mother, “I’m not a good child!”

Do you also think that if children boast too much, they will become wild, and even make some “rebellious” acts against your praise? This is because your praise and evaluation of the child’s personality and character seems to imply that he “must do so, you are the good child in the mouth of his mother.” the child will worry that he is not as good as his mother said, and feel that he is a liar who will be exposed at any time. Such a casual compliment gave him a lot of pressure, and sometimes even made him feel guilty. In order not to deceive everyone like this, he may deliberately show that he does not deserve this praise.

It’s better to praise a child’s efforts than to praise him for his intelligence

My niece Xiaomeng began to read before she went to kindergarten. Because she learned things very quickly, her surrounding uncles and aunts praised her for being smart, so Xiaomeng also showed great learning.

Although Xiaomeng is good at literacy, she is not good at physical coordination. Her mother sent her to a dance class. A few days later, the teacher told her mother that Xiaomeng was reluctant to try dancing. Her mother asked Xiaomeng’s opinion. Xiaomeng felt that everyone danced better than her and didn’t want to learn.

Children who have been recognized are more afraid of failure. Children who are often praised as smart are also reluctant to accept challenging learning tasks, because they don’t want to risk losing the evaluation of “smart” in others. On the contrary, if mothers praise their children less for their intelligence and more for their efforts to learn, they will be more persistent in difficult tasks.

It is better to praise a good job than to praise a good man

A colleague often said “you’re great”, “you’re so smart” and “you’re a good child” to her children. Gradually, she found that these words would no longer excite the children and make them feel satisfied as before.

Why children are gradually not interested in these words is because they are like labels and evaluations. At the end of each month, people around us will give us an evaluation, such as “a” and “B”, which will give you a rating. Will you feel happy?

In fact, praise should make people feel respect and appreciation. You prefer him to praise your plan for doing well than your boss for praising you for being a good person. Therefore, when praising your child, don’t just give an evaluation. Think about how to praise your child for doing things.

It is better to praise the result than the process

Friends let children learn to go shopping in the supermarket independently.

The first time I bought three things, the child finished the task in half an hour, and her friends praised her.

The second time I bought four things, but the child hasn’t returned home for an hour. My friends can only go to the supermarket to find the child.

She felt that the child didn’t complete the task for the second time. She was probably tempted by supermarket snacks, so she began to set up the child’s words. As a result, the child wrongfully told her mother that the first time was because her aunt helped her all the way, and the second time she could only ask others one by one, so it took so long. She didn’t know why she worked so hard, but her mother wouldn’t praise her like last time.

Wrong praise will kill children’s efforts. Parents’ praise must not focus on the results of things, but should pay attention to the efforts and work of their children.

Good praise is to let children draw positive conclusions

A friend is a very real person. He thinks he can praise his children, but don’t let them get too much praise. The wife make complaints about his painting. He will praise the fact that “this painting is quite good for your age.” according to his wife, Tucao, his daughter did not feel very cold about his praise, and gradually did not love to show her paintings in front of his father.

Is it wrong not to let children get excessive praise? There is nothing wrong, but don’t forget the fundamental purpose of praise: children get affirmation and confidence from your praise. This euphemistic way of praise, in addition to the blow, the child does not seem to get more information. If the friend is willing to tell his daughter about the beauty of the painting, such as “the color of the flowers in your painting is really beautiful”, the child will certainly get positive recognition from your praise and will not have blind confidence in himself. (concerned about the WeChat official account: mother’s time to talk about parenting.)


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